I would love to say that I’m an easy-going, go-with-the-flow kind of person. I would love to say that I don’t freak out when little things change or I learn from all my mistakes. I would love to say that I’m the best mother and wife I can be. I would love to say that issues just roll off my shoulders and I take on a new day with a fresh start and positive attitude. I would love to say that everything is fine all the time.
I’ve had some serious writers block lately. I have several articles started, but not finished. They seem too much like “woe is me” articles. I want to write about my life with positivity and proof that through even minor struggle there is joy and contentment, but that’s not realistic (or relatable). Lately my articles are full of elegantly written complaints with no resolutions, or just a vent of the day with no real material or helpful tidbit. I would love to have several finished articles, waiting to be published once a week that aren’t full of “my son isn’t sleeping”, “my husband is struggling keeping up with school and work”, “I feel like I’m not contributing enough to help my husband”, “I have all these ideas in my head, but no money to do anything with them”, etc. I’m overwhelmed.
I would love to just pray about it and let it go, but it’s a work in progress. Being a wife is hard, being a mother is hard, being a good human being is hard, but that’s life. As the sayings go, no one said life is easy or life is fair. Everyone has their own struggles to live through, and most are much more challenging than mine. God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle, but here I am worrying over the smallest things.
I worry about being a good wife: am I working with my husband enough? Am I taking care of everything that he doesn’t have to? Is my attitude what it should be? Do I treat him fairly?
I worry about being a good mother: Am I spending enough time with my son? Are we reading enough? Does he watch too many movies? Is he gaining enough weight? Am I feeding him good food?
I worry about being a good person: Am I too angry or frustrated all the time? Do I judge my fellow neighbors too harshly? Do I see my family and friends enough and when I do, do I have good conversations with them?
I would love to give all the positive answers to these questions, but most of the time, I just worry too much about the questions themselves. Not to mention the dreaded “what if” scenarios that begin taunting me in my head.
I would love to relax, but it’s easier said than done. I have to make the best of what life, a.k.a. God’s plan, is giving me right now. I can’t fast forward. I have to live in the moment. One day at a time. I have to raise a sweet, happy little boy to the best of my abilities, take care of a house for a husband who works so hard and sacrifices so much, put my unrealistic ideas on the back burner, have patience, and do what I can with what I have. I would love to stay calm about every situation that puts a question into my head, but it’s extremely difficult. And that’s what God wants me to work on each moment of my life. I would love to go with the flow, but most days I fail miserably.
I would love to succeed at all my tasks, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed and just freeze. I put it all on myself and feel like I’m failing, when I need to just take a deep breath and handle everything one task at a time, one day at a time. Prayer helps, but I must be proactive. I need to want to calm down and want to deal with my problems. I can’t expect God to just give me what I want, but I also can’t work on my challenges without His help. St. Benedict said it best: “Ora et Labora.” – “Pray and Work”. That’s the (not so) secret, isn’t it? Together, prayer and hard work are the two staples that allow me to conquer whatever life throws at me. I would love to say that I am good at this, but I can’t…because I’m not.
But I’m trying, and maybe someday I’ll get everything under control and take life as it comes more calmly, but right now, it’s all about the baby steps. One step at a time, one day at a time. Ora et labora. And one day, I am going to love being able to say “I did it. Deo Gratias.”
“Therefore I say to you, be not solicitous for your life, what you shall eat, more for you body, what you shall put on. Is not the life more than the meat: and the body more than the raiment?” Matthew 6:25