I Would Love To, But…

I would love to say that I’m an easy-going, go-with-the-flow kind of person. I would love to say that I don’t freak out when little things change or I learn from all my mistakes. I would love to say that I’m the best mother and wife I can be. I would love to say that issues just roll off my shoulders and I take on a new day with a fresh start and positive attitude. I would love to say that everything is fine all the time.

But…I can’t.

I’ve had some serious writers block lately. I have several articles started, but not finished. They seem too much like “woe is me” articles. I want to write about my life with positivity and proof that through even minor struggle there is joy and contentment, but that’s not realistic (or relatable). Lately my articles are full of elegantly written complaints with no resolutions, or just a vent of the day with no real material or helpful tidbit. I would love to have several finished articles, waiting to be published once a week that aren’t full of “my son isn’t sleeping”, “my husband is struggling keeping up with school and work”, “I feel like I’m not contributing enough to help my husband”, “I have all these ideas in my head, but no money to do anything with them”, etc. I’m overwhelmed.

I would love to just pray about it and let it go, but it’s a work in progress. Being a wife is hard, being a mother is hard, being a good human being is hard, but that’s life. As the sayings go, no one said life is easy or life is fair. Everyone has their own struggles to live through, and most are much more challenging than mine. God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle, but here I am worrying over the smallest things.

I worry about being a good wife: am I working with my husband enough? Am I taking care of everything that he doesn’t have to? Is my attitude what it should be? Do I treat him fairly?

I worry about being a good mother: Am I spending enough time with my son? Are we reading enough? Does he watch too many movies? Is he gaining enough weight? Am I feeding him good food?

I worry about being a good person: Am I too angry or frustrated all the time? Do I judge my fellow neighbors too harshly? Do I see my family and friends enough and when I do, do I have good conversations with them?

I would love to give all the positive answers to these questions, but most of the time, I just worry too much about the questions themselves. Not to mention the dreaded “what if” scenarios that begin taunting me in my head.

I would love to relax, but it’s easier said than done. I have to make the best of what life, a.k.a. God’s plan, is giving me right now. I can’t fast forward. I have to live in the moment. One day at a time. I have to raise a sweet, happy little boy to the best of my abilities, take care of a house for a husband who works so hard and sacrifices so much, put my unrealistic ideas on the back burner, have patience, and do what I can with what I have. I would love to stay calm about every situation that puts a question into my head, but it’s extremely difficult. And that’s what God wants me to work on each moment of my life. I would love to go with the flow, but most days I fail miserably.

I would love to succeed at all my tasks, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed and just freeze. I put it all on myself and feel like I’m failing, when I need to just take a deep breath and handle everything one task at a time, one day at a time. Prayer helps, but I must be proactive. I need to want to calm down and want to deal with my problems. I can’t expect God to just give me what I want, but I also can’t work on my challenges without His help. St. Benedict said it best: “Ora et Labora.” – “Pray and Work”. That’s the (not so) secret, isn’t it? Together, prayer and hard work are the two staples that allow me to conquer whatever life throws at me. I would love to say that I am good at this, but I can’t…because I’m not.

But I’m trying, and maybe someday I’ll get everything under control and take life as it comes more calmly, but right now, it’s all about the baby steps. One step at a time, one day at a time. Ora et labora. And one day, I am going to love being able to say “I did it. Deo Gratias.”

“Therefore I say to you, be not solicitous for your life, what you shall eat, more for you body, what you shall put on. Is not the life more than the meat: and the body more than the raiment?” Matthew 6:25

Pax Christi.

 

And then…

First, I wanted to be an architect…I grew up through two big house renovations, from when I was 9 years old to when I moved out of my parent’s house. There was always a project going on, including one that left 5 of us living in two small rooms. Whatever the project was, I loved helping my Dad work on them. I wanted to design the kinds of beautiful projects that amazed people and took their breath away.

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A Table, Four Chairs, and the Goodness of the Lord

We bought a table yesterday. A 42″ pedestal refinished kitchen table with four chairs. The table has a natural wood top, and the pedestal and chairs are painted off white, which gives the set a classic, rustic, farmhouse look. It’s a beautiful little set, and I absolutely love it. While the event of buying a table and chairs may be ridiculously mundane and typical to some, to me, it’s so much more. To me, this table is the start of something exciting.

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“Put On Your Patience Pants”: A Temporary Life

Lately, I’ve been struggling with patience. Ever since our marriage, my hubby and I have been in a temporary state. My Mom has a saying when her 9 and 10 year old students have trouble waiting: “put on your patience pants”. The same philosophy applies to my life. Most days, my own “patience pants” are completely off and blowing away in the winds of time. (Great image, right?) To be honest, my struggle with patience hasn’t been an issue until the last two years. Throughout my relationship with my husband, my “patience pants” have been temporarily on and off, and lately they’ve been missing.

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Celebrating the Stay at Home Mom

I love being a stay at home mom. Absolutely love it. Being able to stay at home and take care of my little one is a huge blessing on my life. My son is a 9 month old moving machine (he took his first two steps two weeks ago! Eek!) and I haven’t missed a single moment. I’m very lucky to be able to stay home, but I realize that in this day and age stay at home moms aren’t celebrated as much as they should be. Now let me say, that I know some moms who don’t have the luxury to stay home with their children, and I have thought many times whether I should go back to work and lighten the load for my husband.  However, we both decided that me staying home is a better option for our family. The challenges with this, though, don’t come with money or a “mundane lifestyle” (because it’s not), but with other people’s opinions of my job: being a stay at home mom.

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The Start of a New Journey…

Everyone in the blogosphere has a niche. Whether it’s food, lifestyle, motherhood, marriage, or faith, there is something for everyone – except me. Or so I thought. I’m not an authority figure on much of anything. My life consists of changing my son’s poopy diapers, watching my husband fall asleep in his chair soon after he gets home from a long hard days work, trying to come up with something delicious for dinner that doesn’t add 10 pounds on my already struggling postpartum body, trying to remember to pray throughout the day, and then passing out at 9:30 to recharge and do it all over again. OK, that might have been a bit dramatic, but you get the point. My life is one of a pretty average catholic mama. But then I thought to myself, ‘I’ve actually done a lot in my almost quarter century of living on earth…and made quite a few mistakes along the way…’

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